emdval:

_{heartbreak was something emma knew for OTHER PEOPLE.  holding audrey, the blood soaking her shirt, the ambulance ride, the long hours at audrey’s bedside with no knowledge of her physical stability  ––––  emma had forgotten, amidst all this heartbreak, that she possessed any HEARTBREAK of her own.  it had never been out of kindness that she had pushed aside her own heartbreaks.  if anything, it had been a strange-tasting shade of selfishness emma possessed.  that push-away had led to such a vast world of HURTING:  the killer hurting audrey now  ––––  the killer  piper  maybe even audrey hurting their friends, back there in lakewood.  tight lips sunk all of emma’s shipmates, drowning them.  emma feels something crawl up her throat, but swallows.}  

_{she straightens & the pain increases with the distance between them, as if their CLOSENESS numbed the shock and the confusion and all the mess.  ( it wouldn’t, emma had to remind herself it wouldn’t. )  ❛  hey, you’re going to be just fine.  NOTHING’S going to happen.  ❜  her voice holds that softness that emma recognizes in herself, that voice she’d slip into when audrey would come back after storming out during a fight.  audrey would come in and emma would get this kind of HEAVY, but listening to her voice, no one would ever know.  ❛  you’re safe.  ❜  & she wanted so desperately to believe her own words that, for a brief moment, she did.}

_{emma can feel the itch of the tears forming at the corners of her eyes, but she blinks them back.  ❛  audrey, i’m NOT LEAVING.  ❜  the words hurt to push out, her throat tight with tears & anxieties.  emma thinks back to two weeks ago, sitting together on the couch, emma scrolling through the humane society adoption photos, crying & crying over every dog they saw.  she’d been in audrey’s arms, on their couch, carryout on the way, and that night they had spent an hour deciding what movie to watch, and emma feels sick, so sick.  she would trade a million take-out-the-garbage days, a million clean-the-toilet days, to erase this KNOWING.  ❛  are you  ––––  um, are you leaving me ? ❜  her voice comes out shaky and unfamiliar, and she’s crying now.  really crying.} 

_{NOTHING’S   GOING   TO   HAPPEN   ;   even   in   a   medical-induced   haze   she   can   tell   that   emma’s   more   worried   about   comforting   her   than   anything   else.   the   medicine’s   strong,   has   her   curling   her   fingers   absently   every   few   minutes just   to   fight   it   off   and   stay   awake,   if   only   because   she   didn’t   want   to   fall   asleep   and   have   emma   be   gone   —   again   —   she’d   already   almost   lost   her   too   many   times   for   comfort   (   and   this   time   would   just   be   for   her   own   stupidity,   her   own   impulsive   behavior,   her   own   mistakes   —   ).   fingers   curl   uselessly   in   defeat   when   emma’s   too   far   away   for   her   to   keep   hold   and   she   drops   her   arm   back   down   onto   white   sheets.   ‘   —–   you   don’t   have   to   do   that,   you   know   —   you   should   be   pissed   right   now.   ‘   and   it’s   somewhere   in   her   mumbled   words,   some   of   which   have   mixed   together,   that   she   catches   emma’s   last   question   and   notices   the   way   her   shoulders   shake.   it’s   a   sign   that   audrey   notices   instantly   —   and   nothing   else   really   matters   now.}

_{‘   what?   no,   no,   no   —   emma,   hey   —   ‘   and   she   cringes   as   she   exerts   herself,   but   doctors   orders   be   damned,   she   forces   herself   to   sit   up,   uses   her   elbows   to   push   her   body   weight   (   most   of   which   feels   all   too   dead   and   heavy   )   up.   ’   c’mere,   ‘   she   encourages,   pats   the   empty   space   next   to   her   on   the   hospital   bed   as   she   moves   over   to   make   room.   it’s   the   same   warm   voice   she’d   use   after   silence   bloomed   between   them   for   any   long,   strained   period   of   time.   ‘   how   could   i   leave   you?   i’m   not   that   crazy,   you’re   —   god,   you’re   the   best   thing   that’s   ever   happened   to   me   —   ‘   her   voice   is   low   //   she’s   never   been   the   best   at   expressing   her   heavy   emotions,   always   showed   emma   better   than   she   could   tell   her,   but   now   they’ve   been   together   long   enough   that   it’s   easier   ;   the   words   come   natural.   ‘   and   i   almost   let   a   stupid,   angry   mistake   ruin   us,   ruin   everything   —-   i’m   an   idiot.   ’   (   and   a   part   of   her   knew,   deep   down,   that   she   would   have   deserved   to   die   —   that   bleeding   out   on   the   scene   would   have   been   well-deserved   karma   after   all   of   this   time   //   now   she   had   time   left   to   explain   everything,   in   full   detail,   to   make   it   all   up   to   emma   somehow.   )}